rich and creamy

Never write a headline without an action word

You know the way you get those retarded questions about if you had to pick one fruit for the rest of your life, or one potted plant, or one underpants and eat, grow or wear only the one you picked for the rest of your life. So hypothetical (note to Ed. is hypothetical a real word? - if not can you get Scrabble or Google to approve it). We only indulge in such questions because we know we`re slaves to mixing it up. You would never wear the same underpants for longer than, like, a weekish

But it got me thinking about if we think this is so absurd, why in the name of holy matrimony are monogamous relationships eternally en-vogue? What is so sexy about picking one person to have sex with for the rest of your life?

I am asking the Mormons. Because they understand, or did understand, the hotness of polygamy, although your sister`s sister is, ahhhh, well not so hot and granted Moronism – see what I did there - is a patriarch-led religion, ahh, most of them are, but there`s room for new women-led religions. Ah, I`m getting distracted.

But do you see what I mean? If we can change our underwear, we can change the bed linen too. If you know what I mean.

Left-handed self-portrait by a right-handed artist

Sorry about the title to this post. I'm not a fan of hyphenated words, much less two in a row. But I thought it was important in this case since I am a right-handed artist (not just a person but a bloody artist). That being said, I think it turned out rather well - perhaps the one flaw is that my smile is a bit more electric in real life.

Being an artist isn't easy

From time to time I'm asked how I come up with so many potentially best-selling ideas. This is a question, however, which cannot be posed to some subjects of such inordinate talent or stature. Should Mount Everest know the origins of its size, or is its greatness and the fact of it looming over all other mountains [Ed note: here I display writing skills by using the word mountain as a metaphor for talentless hacks) sufficient?

Recently I have taken to drawing pregnant women. You could say my drawing pad has gone preggers, ha! [Ed. note: see how I effortlessly change directions from serious to uproarious humour.] 

Drawing women is always a sticky subject, no pun intended Jam Sabine. The simple fact is there are very, very few attractive women in this world and absolutely no attractive pregnant women. If we are to be realistic we simply must accept that most pregnant women's bodies are as appealing as one of those aborted bin babies discarded in the likes of Hackney.

To draw a women one must understand women. Basically they are insecure creatures due to their big thighs, wide hips, and asymmetric breasts. This understanding of female anatomy has proven effective in my recent sketches.

Another talent I have is capturing the absurd. It is a well-known trait of women to have a preposterous lack of coordination and inherently weak frame and underdeveloped muscles (hence their constant nagging of men). Therefore I thought it might be a good laugh to draw a 30-something-year-old preggers lass with a might bit gusto and umph whose taken up crime-fighting.

        
 
I headed to Britain's National Library but finding any historical images of woman with just a modicum of agility proved difficult. Fortunately I discovered a child's guide to martial arts, of which there were several photos of rather doughy children who had clearly been ignoring the sage British advice one pack of crisps a day.

The misshapen and disgusting figures of these children lent themselves as a rather good basis for a pregnant women, minus oversized lactating nipples and an unsightly hairy and stretched naval.

All in all, these drawings were a right good exercise in anatomy and absurdity. Obviously I had to make certain editorial decisions. For whatever reason, gestation renders the female face unbearable, what with the jowls and double chins and all, not to mention whatever else can occur from the hormones being off kilter, so I took the liberty of not detailing any faces. This, I thought, anyone would agree as a necessary step to keep the viewers' attention with a level of decency rather than the profane.

Well, I must get back to my pad (No, I'm not menstruating! Ha!) [Ed. note: Again, very reliable humour here.] and pen. Be sure to check back for more on Being an artist isn't easy.

Chavs the new 'it look', designers say

This time of year all the major fashion houses are busy jockeying for position in hopes of becoming the trendsetter of summer fashion. Recently we've seen plaid make a return to fame and summery tints like lime green ran from Oxford Street to Bond Street. Major designers are as busy differentiating themselves from one another as they are to jump on the bandwagon for any look which seems to be gaining momentum.

Welcome to 2010 - year of the Chav.

"I liken it to the hip hop movement," Karl Lagerfeld told associates recently in Milan. "In the 1980s, New York City lower classes shopped at stores similar to my maid and gardener. Simple and basic looks that went from cult status to global trend."

Paris, London, Milan, Los Angeles, and even Tokyo are already heralding in the new wave.

"There's something about mixing a naf jumper with a tracksuit and velcro shoes," said buyer Robin Walkes.

Hip hop mainstays Tommy Hilfiger and Burberry are two of the most noticeable high street brands to follow suit. Their collections are replete with fake diamond earrings, heavy cotton hooded-sweatshirts, lined tracksuits, caps with the bill aligned asymmetrically and at an upwards slant. Burberry is even recruiting actual Chavs to model its line-up, such as Derek Moore who lives near the labels outlet store in Hackney.

"And I was like I ain't coming down to put on yer fookin' cloves fer girls," he recalls. "Who der fook do ya think you're talkin' to you fookin' egg in a bun?"

But in the end Moore could not resist the steady pay and is now contracted with Ford modeling agency and is just one of many such stories.

"These rags to riches stories are being borne out of the hard economic times," says Ford spokesman Olivia Hubert. 

"It took some time for the luxury brands to respond but it is apparent now that they see the times have changed. Many designers are speaking of expanding the line into a sort of lifestyle," she says. "Ermenegildo Zegna is asking 'what would a chav wear to a job interview, if chavs actually worked?'; meanwhile Ikea is trying to send designers to visit flats in Blackpool for inspiration."

After taking root in the fashion world, the word has now spread into academics as well. City University graduates have already begun fundraisers and awareness programmes: Chavs Against Poverty, including a photo-essay of patients at drug, alcohol, and knife-wound recovery clinics entitled "I want to live like normal people".

Raining bombs on Pakistan

If there was a type of anti-blogging pursuit it might be where you never linked to anything else. Bit radical, but it would fit a definition of anti-blogging I just made up. Where is all this going? Will and me were talking about this, about not linking to anything, but then you see something or read something and you think you should share it with your world of one other person.]

And now for something completely different.

Lest we forget America is at war on two fronts: Iraq and further east in Afghanistan. They are the known wars; to paraphrase Cheney there are probably unknown wars also.

This year the surge moves to Afghanistan because eight years on the Taliban have yet to be conquered, inspite of having a puppet president in place. By this summer the US will have 100,000 troops in Afghanistan.

Ahead of the surge the CIA has been busy in neighbouring Pakistan. Very much so;

In what the New York Times delicately described as a ‘statistic that the White House has not advertised’, it has informed its readers that ‘since Mr Obama came to office, the Central Intelligence Agency has mounted more Predator drone strikes into Pakistan than during Mr Bush’s eight years in office’.

More bombs in Obama`s first year than in Bush`s eight. The only change here is more bombs. More on this at the New Left Review

Damn it`s been a while....

..but unofficially we are back. And with bigger bellies. In my absence Japan has been getting a kicking on the international stage. First with all those dodgy Toyota cars and then their defeat of, along with that other sushi-mad nation, Libya, the proposed tuna fishing ban.

Before everyone forgets about their Toyota woes and about tuna fish, most likely because there will be none left by the middle of September - tuna that is - I would just like to share the Tomomster`s view on the latter.

Like most Japanese she rightly saw the ban as a persecution of the Japanese way of life. I think she nicely summed up what should happen and in doing so she could well be the next UN person-to-call-to-fix-things.

The Tomomster:"Well if other countries are so worried about the tuna fish why don`t they stop eating it? Don`t they know we love tuna?"

This post is for you Conor who asked wtf? had happened to richandcreamy.

So Kawaiii

 

Because my life in Japan is one giant train ride, I thought I might as well make a little video on the infinite ride, in between failing to remember kanji. So here is a little snapshot of accessories hanging from keitais- mobile phones - in Japan. The music is by mr chuckle demographic - Rory Dempsey - who was last working in a caravan. Anyway, below is some info on mobiles and etiquette in Japan.

Kawaiifying your phone is not restricted to high school girls in Japan, salary men, university students and obachans - grandmothers - are just as likely to accessorise their phones, although Hello Kitty straps are mostly the preserve of school girls.

Japan is the first country I noticed this fashion, or obsession, with phone straps. Occasionally some of the accessories are so over the top that you would need a separate bag just to carry the phone in. iPhones are notable by their absence, I have yet to see an iPhone-owner, iPhoner, with a strap.

Perhaps kawaiifying phones won't go global, but Japan's mobile phone etiquette would be a welcome global standard. Japan has strict rules regarding the use of keitais in public.

For the most part these rules are adhered to. For instance when taking trains you are constantly reminded by signs and announcements to set your phone to manner mode i.e. silent mode and making calls is prohibited. In certain parts of some carriages using your keitai at all is completely prohibited.

What this means is you don't have to listen to the a fellow commuter roaring down the phone delivering the mother of all mundane messages "I am on the train." Yes we know.

There are times when the rules are broken of course, but more often than not the Japanese use their phone to communicate silently, that is, via email or cmail. In this video most people use their phones not for talking, but for email, playing games, listening to music or web browsing.

According to the Economist Japanese mobile phone talk time has reduced from a global norm of 181 minutes in 2002 a month to 133 minutes a month in 2009. While figures for how many emails sent per month were not released the Economist speculated that it could be more than a thousand a month, or 33 a day.

The Rodcast Chronicles - Danke, Sabine, danke muy bien

Rodcast 4

Thus far rich and creamy's podcasts - The Rodcast Chronicles - have been well received, but if there have been complaints they were regarding sound quality and length. Ever the over-compentsators and ignoring our listeners, rich and creamy would like present not only the worst audio-quality to date, but also the longest Rodcast to date. For that, we thank our German friend and guest. Danke, Sabine!

Unfortunately there are still no controls to fast forward but in the final minute (49th minute that is), Sabine makes a shockingly blunt confession. No joke.

Handicapped Angels

Today I had a curious thought. If Heaven exists, what state would my physical appearance be when I arrive? Would it be the way I am at the time of death? But that would be awful were it to be death by car wreck, gang rape, or slaughtered by a wild animal. 

Since sloth is a sin, perhaps St. Peter and His Holiness would prefer for newcomers to enter in their physical prime. That means a circa 18-year-old body for me. But I have some friends who are in awful shape, in fact the only time they were ever in shape was perhaps as a toddler. So would they enter as a 3-year-old but retain the mental maturity of an adult? With obesity rates on the climb the whole world over, I imagine this wouldn't be uncommon. Think of it - eerily acute personalities trapped in youthful bodies: like Dawson's Creek on crack.

But here's the kicker for me. What about the handicapped - physically or mentally? It's hard to imagine angels rolling around in wheelchairs or with gimp legs. At the same time, our worldly teachings - whether religious or not - often speak of accepting one's unchangeable circumstances. If one were to lose his handicappedness (word check?) then doesn't that make all of these 'embrace one's self' seem like a sham?

Seems to me God is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. How could Paradise exist with defects but then if it doesn't, he should inform everyone on Earth that looking for acceptance is merely a temporary rationalisation that things aren't so bad.

Salon de Manga - Paris

Over the weekend I attended the annual manga convention in Paris, Salon de Manga, but I did not go for the fair's namesake so much as for the fan culture.

I've never been a hardcore collector, enthusiast, or aficionado. No, I liked Star Wars but I never dressed up; I enjoyed Star Trek but I never learned Klingon; I went to see the Lord of the Rings trilogy but I didn't camp overnight to get tickets.

Most people think of such fans as freaks, geeks, or nerds, and they're probably right, too. It's just I tend to think of these terms in a positive connotation - a sort of charming eccentricity often reserved for the learned but socially awkward. So I wanted to be in the culture for myself, even if I had no costume. 

Everyone was open - striking poses for anyone with a camera, posing with children or adults. But this sort of posing and relish for the stage extended beyond the event's own manga theme - Scooby Doo attended, an elaborate (and surely expensive) Predator was also there, many a goth (think Cormac in hot weather), and the obligatory Star Trek fans, as well. Of course here, what would draw criticism outside would receive praise inside. The more you indulged in the details of your costume, the more respect you carried.

Obviously at an event like this, these sorts of people are among family so they can let it all hang out. The only element that seemed out of place was the American-professional style wrestling in one corner of the expo room, nonetheless this was popular, too, and didn't seem to have justify itself for being there, just like me.